John and I queued in Lidl yesterday laden with shopping. I noticed the lady at the check out, blond, Polish, mid 20's. Lidl cashiers are renowned for putting your shopping through at top speed, dropping cans onto soft bread and throwing you out the store leaving you needing counselling for post traumatic stress disorder. But this girl was having trouble concentrating on scanning the groceries of the woman in front of us. Then I noticed why. She could not take her eyes off John. Ha! Made me laugh right away. Not only that, but when she noticed, I had noticed she just gave me a big smile as if to say "caught me, but I don't care". John then looked from one of us the other and caught on (men can be slow about this type of thing). I then left him to pay and receive the change. John then commented "I have never had 'come to bed eyes' when receiving grocery change before!" We both laughed and left the shop.
It was only later that I realized how far I have come. Not only did I enjoy the whole experience of a woman checking out my husband, but I felt secure and non-threatened in any way. She was attractive, blond, and since Poland is part of the EU, she was not looking for a British passport! Yet I had not taken anything from the experience but amusement.
I had had one bad relationship after another. I used to think that only losers were attracted to me. It was maturity and life experience that taught me that it was actually me that was attracted to losers. I had numerous boyfriends and one husband cheat on me. So there are some scars there and I have been overly jealous and unnecessarily wary about female attention directed at my husband.
So what has changed? Well I have learned that there are women out there better than me. There are more attractive, more talented, more funny, more everything. And that is ok. I am me. I have my own unique mix of positive attributes and I have to trust the fact that John has chosen me because of them.
John has an academic friend who can do everything . . . and she is attractive! She sings opera, acts, teaches at Queen's University in Northern Ireland, plays numerous instruments to perfection, travels, is an interior designer, rich and single. She is a wonderful friend to John and supports him with is PhD and has certain things I don't have in common with John. I have learned that that is just fine. If he had wanted an academic for a partner, he would have chosen one. I have started to let go of worrying about being everything to John. I can never be everything. But I can be his One. I am his love, his life, his future. The mother to his wonderful kids. The tenacious driving force that encourages him in every positive move he makes in his life. I am his wife! But I am not everything.
I have recently had an experience that shook me a little. John and I have an close friend that he shared some intimate details with. He sat and talked to me about what he had shared and asked if it was ok? We had to regroup. We had to decide what was just for me and him and what could be shared. What could threaten us. We are not impervious. We are not indestructible. We have our weaknesses. There is a certain amount of appropriate policing needed. I don't have all the answers to this. We are counselled by our church leaders to be careful, to protect that sacred bond of marriage. To keep certain things just for our partners. I do struggle with this myself sometimes; not that I have a problem keeping my covenants, but just knowing where these boundaries should be. "Marriage partners must be loyal to one another and faithful in their marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed." John told me about a talk by Elder Packer that says we can not stop a bird landing on our head, but we can stop it building a nest there.
I think that my relationships with women in the past have been destroyed by my jealousy and my inability to celebrate their gifts and talents without me feeling it was taking something from me. I often remark to John how I see women much more territorial than men. But letting go has brought me so much. I have much more love for the women I meet in my life and much more love for John. I accept the love he gives me and love that other women can enjoy him.
But, please notice the name of this post. 'Letting Go'. It is in the present tense. I am not there yet :)
4 comments:
Wow Lou, Thanks so much for posting that entry. It really touched me. I think I share some similar attributes to you, and I still find it difficult to 'let go' as you are doing. You are so right... maybe one day I'll get there! :) Hope everything is going well in preparation for the move, I think you guys are great. Han xxx
Hannah! Thanks for reading, lovely to hear from you, I hope your move into your new pad went well. Yes we do have some things in common. Let's just blame it on the genes!
Thanks Natasha, thanks for pointing our my wonderfullness! x
Hi Lou,
There's no-one more beautiful than the woman who loves and cares for her man every day. You can see how you fulfil your man by the happiness you share together. Over the years you will develop more and more trust... ha ha here talks the voice of experience. Not ! I love my man and know he loves me even though together we're 2 ugly ducklings ! ha ha !
Ange x
Lou - you have to remember you chose HIM too! He's lucky, too!
I can relate here- I have been cheated on, etc by "bad guys & co" and it caused lasting damage. Mr. V is very sensitive to this fact and I have to constantly work to keep my self-esteem/self worth emotions in check. He's really helped me to build them up but they are still there. Yeah, it's a lot of work - we also have done what you have - sort of a re-group here and there throughout the marriage, what works what doesn't (nothing BAD, of course, but you know, little things). he's always had more close female friends than male friends and some of those female friends liked him. Was difficult for me at first, but we've gotten through, I feel better about myself over time. I'm glad you are learning to let go. Take time/effort. Great post! =)
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